I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Randomize
