Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
Randomize
