Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
