I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
Randomize
