I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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