a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Did I show you my penis last night?
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
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