so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
