At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
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