turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
Who put my cat in the fridge?
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize
