Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize