the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Randomize
