Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Randomize
