I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Nope, Im Irish and pissed with some drunk mixed in...therefore punching things is the best solution to every problem.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
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