I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
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