when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
She told me I should be a condom model.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Randomize