someone threw a dead crab at me
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
honey bunches of taint.
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Randomize
