my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
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