There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
