dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Randomize
