Did you see 7 ppl got hurt at Talladaga?
Did they get their mullets stuck in an engine?
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Randomize
