Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
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