I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
Is it because I queefed?
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Couch. On fire.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
