R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Randomize
