Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
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