I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Randomize
