i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize
