dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
