a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize