The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
They left me at home... I'm a liability
There's even glitter on my cock...
Randomize
