i'm signing you up for texting rehab
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Randomize
