Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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