I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
Randomize
