LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
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