I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize