He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
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