No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
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