A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize