Sponge bath it is.
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
My vagina just clenched in fear
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
