Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Randomize