How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
Blood and glitter go together right?
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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