Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
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