i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
