Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
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