I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
Randomize
