We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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