I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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