absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Randomize
