Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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