watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Randomize
