We named our party play list daddy issues
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
