wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
