Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Randomize
