Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
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