Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
Randomize
