Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
i've created a new STD.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
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