there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
