I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
